HOW TO AWAKEN YOUR INNATE ABILITY TO CONNECT AND MAINTAIN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
As human beings, we are inherently social creatures. Connection not only gives us a sense of aliveness but is ingrained in our biology. The next time you're sitting with someone you connect with, pay attention to your body language and facial expressions—chances are, they’ll mirror each other. This is your biology naturally fostering connection without conscious effort. From birth, we are wired to form secure attachments with our caregivers, to give and receive love. As a species, we thrive on cooperation, no matter how independent or introverted you may be.
Because relationships are central to our lives, maintaining healthy ones is important. Healthy relationships can require effort, intention, time, and self-awareness.
Have you ever been in a relationship where, despite deep mutual care, things didn’t work out? Do you often find yourself feeling anxious, frustrated, or angry in relationships? Are there recurring patterns you’re not proud of? If so, keep reading—you may discover something insightful about yourself.
We all have an attachment style, which shapes the way we relate to others, ourselves, our emotions, and the world around us. Dr. Diane Poole Heller defines attachment as the early-life adaptations we develop to cope with our relational environment. These adaptations aren’t stored in our conscious memory but are deeply ingrained in our bodies as part of our implicit, procedural memory. This is why we sometimes act or feel in ways that don’t seem to make sense to us.
It’s important to remember that these adaptations once served a vital purpose: to keep us emotionally, mentally, and/or physically safe. They were essential at the time we adopted them. However, as adults, we often find that these strategies no longer support us in our current relationships.
While our attachment style is primarily rooted in our early relationship with our main caregivers, other significant relationships and experiences throughout life can also influence it. Factors like unavoidable separations, medical procedures, a child’s temperament, and environmental conditions can also play a role.
Let’s Explore the Different Attachment Styles
Now, you might have recognized yourself in one or more of the attachment styles discussed. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
We’re complex. Most of us exhibit traits from more than one attachment style. What is your predominant attachment style? What patterns tend to show up in your relationships?
We all have the capacity for secure attachment. This means we all have the ability to feel secure within relationships—it’s in our biology. We may just need to re-learn how.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
First and foremost: know that this is possible.
The steps you take to feel more secure in relationships and cultivate healthy, lasting connections will depend on your predominant attachment style, but here are some general guidelines to get started:
Explore your attachment style. If you're unsure about your primary style, consider taking a free online quiz developed by Dr. Diane Poole Heller [2].
Reflect on your past experiences. Look for connections between your current attachment patterns and past relationships to gain insight into your behavior.
Be kind to your younger self. Show compassion for the “little you” who adopted these strategies to stay emotionally and physically safe.
Foster compassion for your caregivers, if you feel able. They likely did their best given their own histories and circumstances. If compassion doesn’t come easily, that’s okay too.
“Fake it till you make it.” Start practicing secure attachment behaviors (refer to the chart above). This might include becoming aware of, validating, honoring, and expressing your own needs and emotions.
Focus on the present. Strengthen your relationship with the current moment, your existing relationships, and your present circumstances. Practice responding intentionally to your current situation, rather than reacting from past experiences.
Celebrate moments of secure attachment. When you notice secure attachment showing up, take time to reflect on it—think about it, write it down, or share it with someone else.
Embrace the process. Old patterns will sometimes reappear, and that’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. Think of how many times you’ve accidentally driven toward an old home or workplace out of habit—it takes time to change.
Engage in self-care. Soothe yourself, listen to your needs, respect your boundaries, experience joy, and connect with those who make you feel safe.
Seek professional support to help you on this journey and heal past attachment wounds with the guidance of a compassionate, trusted therapist. Click here to learn more.
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1. Heller, D. P. (2019). The power of attachment: How to create deep and lasting intimate relationships. Sounds True.
2. Heller, D. P. Trauma Solutions, dianepooleheller.com, https://dianepooleheller.com/. Accessed 1 May 2022.